LOTUS blog

Click here for a preview of the first chapter from Ann Coulter’s new book, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They’d Be Republicans.

From Vanity Fair:

Regrettably, some Americans are simply not aware of how large an asshole footprint they leave on the planet. Here, Vanity Fair offers a questionnaire that will help such individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint.

Some sample questions:

Do you leave vitriolic comments in the “Comments” sections of blogs and Web sites, even if you’re commenting on something innocuous, such as an old Linkin Park video?

When leaving such comments, do you use such rote Internet pejoratives as “asshat,” “douchebag,” and “‘tard”?

Does it take more than two words to describe what you do for a living?

Do you refer to having young children as “doing the parent thing”?

When your companion gets up to use the facilities at a restaurant, are you incapable of passing even the smallest blip of solitary time without theatrically scrolling or tapping on your BlackBerry, Tr?o, or iPhone?

Reducing your Asshole Footprint:

Stop gelling, mussing, and spiking your hair. You should part it, and that’s that.

Do not ever order a Cosmopolitan again.

Go two entire, consecutive days without using a wireless electronic communication device.

I’ll spare you the details.  Needless to say, blogging will be light to nonexistent for a few days.

This is almost as bad as Senator Ted Kennedy naming his dog “Splash.”  In order to get his wife elected, Bill Clinton is generously offering to watch the debate with three luck Hillary donors.  Bill explains:

There are two things in this world that I love more than anything else — my family and politics. So you can imagine just how fired up I get when Hillary is on the stage debating the issues that matter to our country.

So here’s an idea: why don’t you and I share that excitement together during an upcoming debate. Hillary’s campaign will pick three people — each invited with a guest to watch one of the upcoming presidential debates with me. We’ll sit down in front of a big TV with a big bowl of chips, watch the debate, and talk about the race. If you enter before the Sunday midnight deadline, you and a guest could be the ones to sit down with me to watch a presidential debate.

Following this awkward e-mail, Hillary writes:

H/T Wonkette

Author Peter Schweizer has a great column in USA Today.

We all have areas of our life that we feel guilty about. So why limit offsets simply to the carbon we produce? Why not expand offsets to erase our other sins? After all, why should environmentalists have all the fun?

Here are some suggestions:

* The Adultery Offset. People who are caught in compromising positions could purchase an offset from a pro-marriage organization such as Focus on the Family. By buying the Adultery Offset, the guilty party would counterbalance their adultery footprint with a monogamous couple trained by this organization. Like the carbon-emitter absolved of carbon sin, this would allow an individual to be declared “adultery neutral” instantly. As with carbon offsets, the guilty parties would not actually have to stop engaging in adultery; he or she would simply need to write a check after every occurrence. Two enterprising Britons have even set up a satirical website called cheatneutral.com demonstrating how this could be done.

During the last Oscar ceremony, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Science gave each Oscar presenter a carbon offset of 100,000 pounds of CO2, roughly double the average American’s annual output. The Adultery Offset might prove to be even more popular in Hollywood.

H/T: JOTUS

Get it Tuesday, October 2!

Here’s my favorite excerpt:

“I also wish to thank Lisa De Pasquale [LOTUS] who reviewed tapes, Nexis transcripts, eight years of columns, five books, and random interviews to gather the bulk of the quotes used in this book.  Lisa is now America’s leading Ann Coulter historian.”

A recent post on Craig’sList:

Date: 2007-08-30, 2:03PM EDT
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

(H/T Joe Logue [JOTUS] via Instapundit)

Steve Milloy of JunkScience.com’s Ultimate Global Warming Challenge is offering $125,000 to the first person to prove that humans are causing global warming:

$125,000 will be awarded to the first person to prove, in a scientific manner, that humans are causing harmful global warming. The winning entry will specifically reject both of the following two hypotheses:

UGWC Hypothesis 1
Manmade emissions of greenhouse gases do not discernibly, significantly and predictably cause increases in global surface and tropospheric temperatures along with associated stratospheric cooling.

UGWC Hypothesis 2
The benefits equal or exceed the costs of any increases in global temperature caused by manmade greenhouse gas emissions between the present time and the year 2100, when all global social, economic and environmental effects are considered.

At today’s Conservative Bloggers Meeting, Steve reports that shockingly there are no entries yet!

Finally, a YouTube clip that brings my many interests together.  Well, except the Star Wars part.  I’m not one of those people.

(And yes, that really is Rush Limbaugh’s voice.)

This week the once-esteemed Columbia University will host another speaker in its on-going “Conversations with Islamo-Fascists” series. I can hear the speaker’s introduction music now:

You can reach me by caravan,
Cross the desert like an Arab man
I don’t care how you get here,
Just get here if you can

This is the second time that Columbia University has invited Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to speak on their campus. His first speech was canceled because of security concerns. No, not security concerns over inviting a terrorist to an American university, but concerns that they couldn’t guarantee the safety of the terrorist.

Read the rest of my column this week here.