To Have and To Hold (the Remote)

Written by Lotus on Sunday, 4 of August , 2013 at 6:18 pm

Disclaimer: This post is solely about weddings I’ve seen on TLC’s “Four Weddings.”  I mean no offense to those who may have had or will have any of these in their wedding. Clearly, I should never be allowed in public, especially on a day when two people are celebrating their love.  On that note, here are a couple wedding trends that really bug me when I’m home alone and watching TLC on a Friday night.

Viennese Hour
I haven’t been to a wedding in five or six years, but the “Viennese Hour” seems to be a new thing.  In addition to dessert and/or a wedding cake, you apparently have to give your guests a wide array of desserts — cookies, pies, cheesecakes, cake pops, chocolate fountains (though I think those are now out), among other things.  What’s next?  Nightcap Hour?  Breakfast?

Cocktail Hour
Like the Viennese Hour, I think catering companies and wedding planners made a pact that these two things were the best way to raise everyone’s bottom line.  Actually, my gripe isn’t with hosts on this one.  It’s specifically for the catty women on “Four Weddings” who expect a full meal during cocktail hour.  I’ve seen episodes where there are a few passed items and a cheese table.  They always complain there isn’t enough food.  Really?  You want an entire meal before the meal and cake (and Viennese Hour)? Some of the weddings, actually most of the weddings, on “Four Weddings” have an entire buffet of food. Here’s my rule: I don’t need any cocktail hour food that requires a fork and knife.

“The couple has written their own vows…”
Is there any other phrase that garners more internal groans and fake smiles at once? Ok, it’s not that I don’t want people to proclaim their love for one another. It’s that “their own vows” now seems like forced quirkiness.  It’s not just the love, but the details they think make them quirky and unique, i.e. “I promise to let you hold the remote… sometimes.”   Ha ha ha, says the audience while looking at their watches.  Want to make your guests happy?  Keep it short, simple and less like a Cathy cartoon.

Meaty Complaints
I’m starting to see a pattern.  A lot of my gripes are related to food.  I am not much of red meat eater.  If I do eat red meat, I usually like it medium-well to well-done.  I understand I am in the minority.  Some women on “Four Weddings” do not.  So often they score down other women’s weddings because red meat is served rare or medium.  In many cases the chef is serving the cut correctly, but the women have different personal preferences.  Accept that you live in a world where you are in the minority.  Or simply ask the waiter for a piece of meat that’s more well-done and then give a better score because service was great.  This also goes for picky eaters.  Oh, you don’t eat gluten and you’re a vegan?  Is this your first time out in public?  The world, especially a private wedding, isn’t responsible for accommodating you.

Tiffany Blue
Tiffany blue only looks good on a box or item that is stamped or engraved with “Tiffany & Co.” Not chair covers. Not bridesmaids’ dresses. Not napkins. Not wedding cakes. That is all.

Fist-Pumping Entrances
Call me traditional, but if you would do it at a sporting event, you shouldn’t do it in a wedding dress.  I’m talking specifically about the couples who enter their receptions with fist-pumping worthy of a Jersey Shore nightclub.

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LOTUS lives in Northern Virginia. NOTE: The views expressed on LOTUS blog are the author’s alone. Organizations listed on this blog are for identification purposes only.