To Have and To Hold (the Remote)

Written by Lotus on Sunday, 4 of August , 2013 at 6:18 pm

Disclaimer: This post is solely about weddings I’ve seen on TLC’s “Four Weddings.”  I mean no offense to those who may have had or will have any of these in their wedding. Clearly, I should never be allowed in public, especially on a day when two people are celebrating their love.  On that note, here are a couple wedding trends that really bug me when I’m home alone and watching TLC on a Friday night.

Viennese Hour
I haven’t been to a wedding in five or six years, but the “Viennese Hour” seems to be a new thing.  In addition to dessert and/or a wedding cake, you apparently have to give your guests a wide array of desserts — cookies, pies, cheesecakes, cake pops, chocolate fountains (though I think those are now out), among other things.  What’s next?  Nightcap Hour?  Breakfast?

Cocktail Hour
Like the Viennese Hour, I think catering companies and wedding planners made a pact that these two things were the best way to raise everyone’s bottom line.  Actually, my gripe isn’t with hosts on this one.  It’s specifically for the catty women on “Four Weddings” who expect a full meal during cocktail hour.  I’ve seen episodes where there are a few passed items and a cheese table.  They always complain there isn’t enough food.  Really?  You want an entire meal before the meal and cake (and Viennese Hour)? Some of the weddings, actually most of the weddings, on “Four Weddings” have an entire buffet of food. Here’s my rule: I don’t need any cocktail hour food that requires a fork and knife.

“The couple has written their own vows…”
Is there any other phrase that garners more internal groans and fake smiles at once? Ok, it’s not that I don’t want people to proclaim their love for one another. It’s that “their own vows” now seems like forced quirkiness.  It’s not just the love, but the details they think make them quirky and unique, i.e. “I promise to let you hold the remote… sometimes.”   Ha ha ha, says the audience while looking at their watches.  Want to make your guests happy?  Keep it short, simple and less like a Cathy cartoon.

Meaty Complaints
I’m starting to see a pattern.  A lot of my gripes are related to food.  I am not much of red meat eater.  If I do eat red meat, I usually like it medium-well to well-done.  I understand I am in the minority.  Some women on “Four Weddings” do not.  So often they score down other women’s weddings because red meat is served rare or medium.  In many cases the chef is serving the cut correctly, but the women have different personal preferences.  Accept that you live in a world where you are in the minority.  Or simply ask the waiter for a piece of meat that’s more well-done and then give a better score because service was great.  This also goes for picky eaters.  Oh, you don’t eat gluten and you’re a vegan?  Is this your first time out in public?  The world, especially a private wedding, isn’t responsible for accommodating you.

Tiffany Blue
Tiffany blue only looks good on a box or item that is stamped or engraved with “Tiffany & Co.” Not chair covers. Not bridesmaids’ dresses. Not napkins. Not wedding cakes. That is all.

Fist-Pumping Entrances
Call me traditional, but if you would do it at a sporting event, you shouldn’t do it in a wedding dress.  I’m talking specifically about the couples who enter their receptions with fist-pumping worthy of a Jersey Shore nightclub.

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Category: Trash TV

Season Premiere of Rock of Love Bus

Written by Lotus on Sunday, 4 of January , 2009 at 11:33 pm

The following commercials were on during Rock of Love Bus:

– Strippercize DVDs (with bonus $1 trial offer for at-home stripper pole!)

– Lice shampoo

– Dexatrim weight loss pills

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Category: Trash TV

Is Lauren Hutton an Ann Coulter fan?

Written by Lotus on Thursday, 29 of May , 2008 at 10:16 pm

Hollywood is shocked that Lauren Hutton is criticizing how Sex and the City portrayed women.  She said:

“It’s written by guys, who happen to be gay, who are sluts. That’s what I think.

“Let’s face it most men are sluts. That’s what testosterone is supposed to do. As a hunter, if you stayed alive after 30, nature wanted your genes out there. Women were just trying to get the best sperm to make a masterpiece.

“You have a bunch a guys who are sluts, writing for women and telling them they are supposed to act like this.”

Hutton’s remarks reminded me of an article that Ann Coulter wrote for George Magazine when Sex and the City first aired.  The article is available in her book, How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must).  Coulter wrote:

Do you actually know girls who talk about sex using the d-word and c-word to describe specific body parts? No you don’t. You know gay men who do… Girls talking the way the do on Sex and the City is about as realistic as George Bush playing a gangsta rapper, talking about “ho’s’ and bitches.”

 I enjoy the show and I’ll eventually see the movie.  I’ve always that it was remarkable that after several years of watching the Sex and the City characters (or “three hookers and their mom”) through their failed hook-ups and relationships, in the end they all became happy once they got the guy and settled down into more traditional roles.  Even gay writers want their fairy tale ending. 

(Kudos to me for not making the obvious “fairy” joke!)

UPDATE:  I’m a Jen.

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Category: Conservatives I Love,Trash TV

The Dog is Back

Written by Lotus on Tuesday, 19 of February , 2008 at 8:23 pm

Via TMZ:

TMZ has learned that Duane “Dog” Chapman will be back in business and back on the air on A&E. Woof!

A network official confirms to TMZ that the show is going back into production, but they’ve not yet set a premiere date. As of now, they’re gearing up — big time — in Hawaii and production will begin ASAP. Makeup artists and camera crews have been hired, and houses and cars have been rented, all for the return of the show.

A&E had suspended production on “Dog the Bounty Hunter” indefinitely after a recording surfaced featuring Chapman making racial slurs. Chapman immediately began a tour of forgiveness, working with CORE and other groups to promote racial equality. We’re told network execs were “very pleased” with Dog’s attempt to make amends and his reaching out to members of the African American community.

A&E isn’t just making this decision out of the goodness of their hearts either. The show was insanely popular for the network, here and internationally — airing in over 20 countries.

Gratuitous picture of LOTUS and Dog at the CORE Dinner:

LOTUS and Dog

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Category: LOTUS Recommends,Trash TV

Britney-Free Zone

Written by Lotus on Tuesday, 2 of October , 2007 at 8:11 pm

I was just flipping around and all of the 24-hour news stations seem to be focused on Britney Spears.  So, I just thought I’d take this opportunity to tell everyone that this is a Britney-Free Zone.

 K, thanks.

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Category: Trash TV

She’s also guilty of price gouging

Written by Lotus on Friday, 21 of September , 2007 at 8:17 pm

This woman (I refuse to call her a mother) gave her sister $80 so she could take her 12-year-old son to see a prostitute.  But the money was only to see the prostitute’s breasts, not for the entire meal.  It gets better… the prostitute denies sex happened because she was in the house smoking crack.   Judging by the video of the alleged prostitute, she’s also guilty of price gouging.

(PS — I can’t figure out how to embed a video.  I’m a lover, not a blogger.)

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Category: Trash TV

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LOTUS lives in Northern Virginia. NOTE: The views expressed on LOTUS blog are the author’s alone. Organizations listed on this blog are for identification purposes only.